Blue Steel
by Alsaurus Rex
Summary: After being dragged along by Gabriel on vacation, Castiel meets Dean Winchester in an Amsterdam coffeeshop.
1. Chapter 1

"This is the one?" Castiel frowned dubiously at the establishment his cousin had led him to.

Nestled near the beginning of a tiny pedestrian street in the center of Amsterdam, the coffeeshop from the outside comprised of a white wooden door, one cramped, darkened window, and a large purple sign above them both that read "Crystal Ball" in yellow block letters with chipped paint. The street itself was typical of the city's Centrum - a smooth path for bicycles surrounded by old, crooked architecture. A couple of the buildings further down looked as if they were in danger of falling over onto the street. It was beautiful and charming, like the rest of the city, but Castiel would have preferred to enjoy it from outside rather than follow Gabriel into this particular shop.

"Supposed to be one of the best in town!" Gabriel declared. His hand came down heavy on Castiel's shoulder as he came to stand beside him. Castiel threw him a suspicious sidelong glance.

"You said that this morning, and that place was disgusting," Castiel said with a slight bitterness in his voice.

"The Pit has a great reputation for their wares, not their atmosphere. And chances are we'll just be buying and running here, anyway. Not a lot of seating space in there for such a popular place!"

"You mean we'll be going to another one after this?" Castiel asked futilely.

"Come on now, Castiel. We've barely even started," Gabriel cajoled as he pushed Castiel through the door of the coffeeshop.

Castiel was not prepared for what he found inside. The Pit had been his very first time inside an Amsterdam coffeeshop, and if the smell and the filth hadn't put him off the experience, the leering and glaring of the other patrons had done the trick. The Crystal Ball, on the other hand, was completely empty. Not to mention tiny; there were maybe seven seats crowded around a couple little aluminum tables near the window. In the back of the shop, which was not fifteen feet away from the entrance, was the counter where Castiel could only assume purchases were made.

What was most remarkable were the walls. Every inch of wall was covered with stickers and postcards and photographs. There didn't appear to be any particular theme to the decor - it looked to be a free-for-all, a living scrapbook created by years of traveling patrons and regulars alike. There were Post-It notes with scribbled messages, lots of "Andy was here" and "call +32 0555066420 for a good time"; photo booth strips of laughing tourists, one of which depicted a play fight ending in a triumphant smiling woman alone in the frame while her partner presumably bled on the ground; bumper stickers of all sorts, including an inexplicable "Got Pie?" pasted proudly above the handle on the entrance door; and lots of band logo stickers and cutouts from brochures for festivals and concerts, most of which seemed to be based in Amsterdam. Scattered over everything were rolling papers which had been licked and stuck on the wall, as if those people who hadn't brought anything to contribute had decided to improvise.

The only hint of influence by the owners seemed to be the United States license plates hung up around the tops of the walls, some of them nailed onto the ceiling, in no discernible pattern save "wherever they could fit". Castiel wondered if there was one from each of the fifty states, but before he could count them a man emerged from the back room and smiled at them from behind the counter.

He was tall and broad, in his late twenties or early thirties, with light sandy brown hair and a smattering of freckles over his nose and cheeks. His eyes were large and bright and green and for a moment Castiel forgot how to breathe.

"Hey there, have you been waiting long?" the man asked as he wiped his hands on a dishtowel. "Sorry, Spring cleaning; you know how bosses get." He had an American accent and a wide, white smile. The terrifying man behind the bar at The Pit had definitely been Dutch, and Castiel had thought most coffeeshop owners would be. He couldn't help but immediately wonder how an American could have wound up in a place such as this.

"Nah, we just walked in. Come on, Castiel," Gabriel grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him along closer to the counter to peer at the menu. "What do you want?"

Castiel found his voice after a moment of struggle and pursed his lips at his cousin. "I will not be smoking with you, Gabriel, so it hardly matters to me."

"Come on, man, drop the act. What's the point of even coming here if you're not going to enjoy it?" Gabriel said. He waved the menu under Castiel's nose and scoffed, "Stop being such a baby."

"Hey now," the dealer cut in, to both their surprise, "Maybe he just wanted to check out the museums or something, huh? You shouldn't be trying to force someone to take drugs, dude."

Castiel stared at the man in shock. He had come with Gabriel to Amsterdam in hopes of touring their famous museums. (And to make his cousin happy, although he'd never acknowledge it). He'd had zero intention of partaking in any recreational substances, so the words that next came out of his mouth surprised him more than anyone:

"Well, maybe I could give it a try," he said quietly.

The dealer caught his gaze and raised an eyebrow. "You sure?"

"Yes, um..." Castiel looked at the menu now in his hands and frowned in confusion. He had no idea what he was doing. "What do you recommend?"

Gabriel looked at Castiel, then at the dealer, then back at Castiel. "Ooookay, then. You pick something nice for yourself, Castiel, and I'll go sit down and smoke what I bought before. Do I have to buy a Coke or something?" he asked the dealer.

"No, go ahead," the man told Gabriel, but he was still watching Castiel ponder the menu.

Once Gabriel was seated by the window rolling his joint, Castiel gave the man a shy smile. "I'm afraid I have no idea what I'm even looking for."

"No problem, Castiel. That's a cool name. I'm Dean," the man, Dean offered, along with a killer grin.

"Hello, Dean," Castiel said, rather stupidly. Dean didn't seem to notice, though, and leaned forward onto the counter, taking the menu from Castiel's hands.

"You've never smoked before, right? Are you looking for something more sleepy or energizing?" he asked as he grabbed a few plastic containers of weed from the shelf behind him.

Castiel had absolutely no idea. But it was early in the day, so "sleepy" probably wasn't a good idea. "Energizing, I think? I really don't know, I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for, dude. Actually, I'm friggin' thrilled to be providing someone's first smoke. Sort of a big responsibility, but I'll try to take care of you," Dean said with a wink.

Castiel swallowed the heat rising in his throat. "Yes, well, I'll defer to your judgement."

"Does that mean you're going to let me pick for you?" Dean asked.

"You are the expert, right?"

"I don't know if I'd say 'expert', though I've learned a lot in three years. But sure, I can find something for you," Dean said, opening one of the containers. He held it out for Castiel, alarmingly close to his face.

"Um," Castiel was unsure of what was required of him.

"Smell it, dude. I know you have no idea what's good and what's not, but this is how you learn," Dean explained.

Castiel dutifully took a sniff of the box's contents. It smelled simply like marijuana, although the scent was potent.

"It smells good?" Castiel said tentatively, having no idea what to say. Dean only chuckled and closed the box before picking up a new one.

"That was one of our most popular strains, and one of the strongest. I like it, but it's not right for a first time. And neither is this one, here," he said, offering the next one for Castiel's appraisal.

The scent wasn't as strong, but it was sweeter somehow. "That's nice," Castiel offered. He was slowly starting to feel more comfortable. Dean seemed to have that effect - a natural-born charmer perfectly suited to customer service work.

"I call that one the Blue Steel. I can't take all the credit for it, but I helped create and cultivate the strain," Dean stated with a certain amount of pride.

"Why Blue Steel?" Castiel asked.

"'Cause it's strong, and sort of blue, see?" Dean demonstrated by picking up a branch between his forefingers and twirling it so Castiel could see the dried flower up close. It looked more purple than blue to Castiel, but he nodded.

"It's beautiful," seemed like an appropriate thing to say. He was rewarded with Dean's proud smile and slight flush.

"Thanks, man. Okay, now this is the one I want you to try. It's our weakest sativa," Dean said and handed Castiel the last box.

Castiel held the rim under his nose and inhaled. It was very similar to the others, but maybe a bit more... "Citrus?"

"Wow, yeah. That's the lemon haze. Damn, you're a natural at this!" Dean said. "So what do you think? You really wanna try it?"

Castiel bit his bottom lip as he glanced back at Gabriel, who was smoking peacefully and watching people walk by through the window. He then looked at Dean, all sincere and helpful and sinfully attractive. He had an eyebrow raised at Castiel in inquiry, and there was a gleam of mischief in those bright green eyes.

"Yes, I would like to," Castiel answered. Dean's answering grin was blinding.

"Awesome. You want to start off with just a gram? It'll last you a while since you won't need very much at a time," Dean asked, already grabbing a piece from the box and setting it on a professional-looking scale.

"Whatever you think is best," Castiel said.

When Dean finished weighing and set the small plastic bag on the counter in front of him, Castiel took out his wallet and squinted at the prices on the menu.

"This one is eight Euros?" he asked.

Dean waved a hand at him and shook his head. "No, man, it's on the house. If you like it, you can come back some time and buy some more, okay?"

"Oh. Thank you," Castiel said in surprise. A simple thank-you didn't feel like enough, so he added, "Next time I'll try the Blue Steel, then."

"Hey, don't go making promises like that. You might not even like what I gave you," Dean pointed out, but he was smiling. Castiel allowed himself a warm smile in return.

"I'm confident in your guidance," Castiel replied.

"You let me know what you think _after_ you've tried it, alright?" Dean said, his tone turning serious for the first time. "And take it easy. This may be the weakest thing I've got, but it's still way stronger than what even your friend there is used to. You don't need a lot."

"Gabriel is my cousin," Castiel found himself clarifying. Dean's face lit up a bit at that, and Castiel's insides fluttered in response. He swallowed and continued. "Don't worry, I'll be careful. And thank you again."

"No problem, man."

When Castiel turned around, he was shocked to see people standing in line behind him. He hadn't even noticed that anyone had entered the shop. He nodded politely to them and gave Dean one last smile before joining Gabriel at the table by the window.

Gabriel's eyes were red but he seemed otherwise normal, albeit a bit more relaxed. "Took you long enough. Did you at least get his phone number?"

"No," Castiel glared at his cousin briefly before continuing, "but he gave me this for free."

Gabriel took the baggie from his hand and studied it, whistling. "Damn, Cassy. Only been in town for two days and you've already got an admirer."

"Quiet, Gabriel," Castiel chided, "and my name's not Cassy."

"Touchy, touchy. Fine, whatever. You want me to roll for you?" Gabriel didn't wait for an answer before taking out a rolling paper and crumbling some of Castiel's weed over it.

"Seeing as I don't know how, yes," Castiel conceded. "Thank you."

"No, thank you! You've finally decided to get with the program. I figured I'd get you to cave eventually, but I didn't think you'd be joining me on the second day. I guess I have Rapunzel-eyes over there to thank for that."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I was merely... curious," Castiel said.

Gabriel smirked at him over the joint he was rolling. He raised it to his lips and licked the adhesive before gently closing it with his thumbs. "Here you go, Mr. Adventurous."

"Hardly," Castiel scoffed, but he took the joint in his fingers and stared at it. "Now I just..."

"Light the end of it, genius, then inhale. You've seen me do it."

Castiel did as he was told. He'd never smoked so much as a cigarette before in his life, but marijuana smoke wasn't nearly as toxic as tobacco and it's not as though he was planning on making a habit out of it. And he felt compelled to try Dean's product, because after the salesman's show-and-tell Castiel was admittedly intrigued. After igniting the end with Gabriel's lighter, he quickly raised the joint to his mouth and sucked on the tip to bring oxygen to the ember and smoke into his lungs. He knew that Gabriel would chastise him if he exhaled too early, so he held it in for a couple seconds before coughing it out.

"Not bad, little bro, not bad," Gabriel said, nodding his approval. Castiel blushed as he always did when Gabriel called him 'little bro', because he also thought of Gabriel more as a brother than a cousin, but was never brave enough to say so.

Castiel took another hit off the joint, this time without coughing, and then handed it to Gabriel. "Do you want to try? It's called lemon haze."

"I love me a good haze," Gabriel said.

They smoked the joint together in silence, watching passersby on the tiny street outside. Castiel started to feel the effects of the drug in the lightness of his limbs and the heaviness of his eyelids, as well as the meandering paths his thoughts took him down.

He thought that maybe coming to Amsterdam had been a good idea, after all. It was such a beautiful place, and the people were mostly nice, especially Dean. Dean was probably his favorite part of the trip so far, although he was very much looking forward to seeing the Rijksmuseum. And Vondelpark was supposed to be nice this time of year. Castiel loved nature but he loved people-watching even more, and he couldn't wait to set himself up on a comfortable bench and let an afternoon crawl by as he observed the human race. This was the perfect city for people-watching. There were a lot of people. So many of them on bicycles, though - it was sort of disconcerting. And there were bicycles sitting around virtually everywhere; how prevalent was bike theft in a city like this one? He wondered if Dean had a bike. Castiel had always relied on cars, but if he lived here he'd never drive anywhere for fear of hitting a cyclist.

Funnily enough, there was a bicycle repair shop just down the street, Castiel could see, and next to it was another coffeeshop. It looked bigger and more commercial than the one they were in. And there would be no Dean behind the counter at that place. How wonderful was it that Gabriel had brought him to this particular shop, out of all the coffeeshops in Amsterdam?

Once in a while Castiel glanced back at Dean, watching him as he good-naturedly served customers who mostly came and left after making their purchases. He seemed even more beautiful now that Castiel had started smoking, which shouldn't even have been possible.

But most importantly, out of all the hazy ideas rolling around in his head, Castiel was just utterly content to be sitting here with Gabriel. They were far away from the rest of their family and free to do as they pleased. Castiel could be anyone he wanted, here. He could be himself.

"Thank you for bringing me here, Gabriel," Castiel said happily.

Gabriel leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms over his head. "You needed a break, kid. Get your head away from all those crazies."

"They're our family, though," Castiel said, although he didn't know why he still felt obliged to point that out.

"They're nuts. The only one worth anything is Anna, and she's not around anymore to keep you sane. So I had to rescue you."

"I don't need rescuing."

"You need something, that's for sure," Gabriel said.

"Maybe I just needed a vacation and some lemon haze," Castiel said. The smile on his face wouldn't come off, but he found he didn't mind. Gabriel didn't seem to, either.

"You look great. Much more relaxed," Gabriel said, then raised his eyebrows meaningfully, "Now all you need is to get laid. Luckily this is the perfect city for that!"

"I am not sleeping with a prostitute, Gabriel!" Castiel protested even as he laughed. Everything Gabriel did was funnier than normal, and Castiel couldn't control his mirth.

"No, you idiot," Gabriel said fondly, "I mean this is one of the gayest cities in the world! You won't need to pay, trust me. We'll check out a gay bar later."

Castiel grew quiet, turning his gaze back to the window. He still had a difficult time talking about his sexuality with anyone, even someone as open-minded as Gabriel.

"I don't know..." He liked the idea of going to a bar to observe, but he didn't want to end up with Gabriel pushing him onto anyone.

"We'll just go have a drink, okay?" Gabriel said.

Then, to Castiel's shock, he turned to Dean, who had suddenly appeared at the table next to them to wipe it down with a wet washcloth.

"Hi, um-" Gabriel began, but he didn't know Dean's name.

"Dean," Castiel provided without thinking. Dean turned to them with a smile, waiting expectantly for Gabriel to finish.

"Dean. Do you know where there's a good gay bar around here?"

Castiel could feel his face turn beet red in less than a second. It was a good thing he was high or he might start having a serious anxiety attack.

But Dean's smile only grew wider. "My personal favorite is just two streets away. If you're looking to score, there's no better place."

Gabriel looked at Castiel, a silent question on his face. Castiel gulped, but the high he was riding gave him courage that he never normally had.

"It's for me, actually. I just want to go somewhere we can sit peacefully and have a drink. Is there anywhere like that?" Castiel asked. His voice was very small, but at least he'd gotten it out. Gabriel beamed at him like he was a kindergartner presenting his dad with his first finger painting.

Dean's expression changed, too, but Castiel couldn't hope to interpret it. It was a subtle shift into something softer; still kind, but maybe also a little curious. Sympathetic? Gorgeous? Delicious? There were a lot of words Castiel could use to describe Dean's face but none of them were right.

"Yeah, man, sure. Um, The Plank is just off Damrak. The drinks aren't too expensive and the crowd is cool," Dean said.

"Thank you, Dean," Castiel murmured. He wished he could get rid of the blush on his face.

"No problem. Going tonight?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, wanna join us?" Gabriel cut in before Castiel could answer.

Castiel widened his eyes slightly at Gabriel in warning, but Dean sighed somewhat wistfully.

"I wish I could, but I'm here all night," Dean said, and then caught Castiel's gaze and held it. Castiel felt as though something was happening, here, and maybe if he were sober he'd be able to understand it. But as it was, he only felt warm and happy at the sight of Dean's face, and could hardly concentrate on anything else.

"Maybe some other time," Castiel said, surprising himself with the deepness of his voice.

Dean's tongue darted out to lick his lips, and Castiel couldn't help but follow it with his eyes. "Sure thing. You need to come back and try the Blue Steel, after all. Maybe then."

"Yes. Maybe."

"And maybe it's time for us to get a move on, huh, Castiel?" Gabriel interrupted, gathering his things from the table.

Castiel frowned at him, but nodded, and they stood up from their chairs.

"Thank you again, Dean. I enjoyed the lemon haze, by the way," Castiel offered, perhaps in apology. He wasn't sure. He only knew that he wanted to talk to Dean forever.

"It was my pleasure," Dean answered.

They stood there staring at each other for another moment before the shop door opened and a group of teenaged tourists walked in, chatting loudly. Castiel was sure that Dean would excuse himself and return to his work, but he wasn't moving, and Castiel didn't dare to either. Gabriel finally coughed loudly, shattering the moment, and took Castiel by the elbow and pulled him towards the door.

"Thanks, Dean-o, it was a trip! Got a lot of shops to hit today, though, so let's get going Cassy."

"My name's not Cassy," Castiel growled half-heartedly before smiling apologetically at Dean. "Goodbye, Dean. I'll see you tomorrow?"

Dean seemed a little shocked, but he answered easily enough, "I'll be here in the morning but I have the afternoon off."

"I will come in the morning, then."

"Awesome. Okay. Um, have fun," Dean said, giving them a little wave as Gabriel finally pushed Castiel out the door.

Out on the street, the world seemed impossibly bigger than it had been before they entered the coffeeshop. The sun was shining brighter and sounds of the bicycles riding past the corner were like music. Castiel realized that he was a lot more fucked up than he'd figured. He was having a bit of a difficult time walking, but Gabriel was keeping him steady as they made their way down the lane.

"You were tripping out in there, man. If I hadn't cut that short, you guys would have stared at each other like that for hours," Gabriel explained, putting his arm around Castiel's shoulder and squeezing it. "Sorry, but there are some things even I don't want to see."

Castiel shook his head to clear it, but it didn't work. "No, thank you. Leaving was probably a good idea. I don't want him to think that I-"

"Okay I'm going to stop you right there. He was totally into you, Castiel. Don't you dare go talking yourself out of tapping that!" Gabriel exclaimed.

"I don't want to tap anything."

"You're a filthy liar," Gabriel muttered as he led Castiel into a building on the opposite end of the street. Castiel recoiled at the thought of another coffeeshop, but Gabriel insisted, "Relax, kiddo, we're just grabbing a bite to eat. Get you sobered up a bit before our next adventure."

Castiel realized they had entered a small fast food place whose menu consisted entirely of fried chicken. "I love you, Gabriel."

"I'm going to want that in writing."


	2. Chapter 2

"This is exactly the kind of place we were looking for, isn't it?" Gabriel said, smiling over the lip of his cocktail.

Castiel had to admit that Dean had given them good advice when he'd recommended The Plank. The interior was spacious and well-lit, and the crowd seemed more interested in keeping to their own groups at their tables rather than dancing or wild partying. Or maybe things were just calm because it was a weekday. Either way, Castiel was grateful for the stress-free environment and the absence of ear-splitting music. They were playing Dutch alternative rock, seemingly an album or a playlist of the same band, at a comfortable volume. The other people around them were mostly men in groups but there were some women and some couples, too. Everyone looked relaxed and happy to be there.

"Normally I hate it when you drag me to bars, but this is nice," Castiel said.

"That's probably because this is _your kind of bar_, huh?" Gabriel said, raising his eyebrows and glancing pointedly at the two men kissing openly a few tables away.

Castiel appreciated the effort Gabriel was making, and he did enjoy being at ease in his surroundings for once. But despite himself, the sight of the happy couple only invoked a sad, vaguely jealous feeling in Castiel.

Gabriel seemed to noticed his shift in mood. "Hey now, don't go being like that. We'll find somebody for you, kiddo."

"Finding" somebody was never the problem, Castiel thought. It was _keeping_ them. He was self-aware enough to realize that he'd have no trouble finding a date or a one-night stand, if he were the kind of person who was interested in things like that. But he wasn't. Castiel wanted romance; he wanted the grand love story, 'til-death-do-us-part nonsense that'd he'd struggled all his life not to need, just as he'd struggled with his sexuality for years before daring to admit to himself that he might be gay. He'd eventually come to realize that his desire for a soul-deep connection and his disinterest in casual relationships were a part of him that he could never change.

"I don't want just anybody," Castiel murmured, propping his head up with his hand and leaning over the table to stare sullenly down into his drink.

"Oh, I know you don't. You want Dean," Gabriel said.

Castiel jolted in surprise and raised his eyes to narrow them at his cousin. "I don't even know anything about Dean. Except that he's a drug dealer."

"The proper term is budtender and it's a perfectly respectable profession. Besides, I didn't see you complaining about his drugs as you were _smoking them_ earlier today," Gabriel countered.

"Yes, well, like I said, I was curious," Castiel said, refusing to be flustered.

"So what'd you think?"

Castiel wasn't sure how he felt about the day's adventure. The entire experience at the Crystal Ball coffeeshop still felt surreal, like it'd been a dream rather than something that'd actually happened to him. He'd enjoyed getting high but he wasn't sure how well he could trust his emotions and memories of the encounter. At the time everything had felt so amazing and _right_, even when he and Dean had just been awkwardly standing there staring at each other. Surely that wasn't normal?

"I don't know. It was pleasant, but..." Castiel wasn't sure how to explain. "How much of it was real?"

"What do you mean, real? You weren't hallucinating anything, I'll tell you that," Gabriel laughed.

"No, I mean, how do I know..." Castiel trailed off, not knowing what he was even trying to ask.

"How do you know that Dean didn't think you were a blithering idiot, is that what you're asking? Are you feeling embarrassed, Cassy?"

Castiel didn't bother to correct him on the nickname; he was too busy realizing with horror that that was exactly how he felt. Dean had been working, so he'd surely been sober the entire time. How ridiculous Castiel must have looked to Dean, glassy-eyed and goofy as he and Gabriel had been.

Castiel hid his face behind his hands and groaned. "Oh my God."

"Don't be such a drama queen," Gabriel chided, but when Castiel didn't move he reached over the table and grabbed his arm, shaking it, forcing Castiel to look at him. "Stop it! Listen to me. Dean works at a coffeeshop. You said he said he's been there for three years? He sees people high off their asses every single day, Castiel. A good number of them way more fucked up than you were today. He's used to it. If he hated dealing with stoned people, don't you think he'd find a different job? Coffeeshop jobs are _coveted,_ man, and I can guarantee everyone in the business feels damn lucky to be there. And he may not have been smoking today when we saw him, but I'll bet you a thousand dollars he's at least as much of a stoner as I am. So lighten up, okay?"

Castiel wanted to lighten up, he really did. "So I didn't act inappropriately in any way?"

"Of course not. Actually I was pretty impressed; for your first time smoking you handled yourself really well. Especially since Amsterdam weed is some strong shit."

"Yes, Dean told me. He warned me that even you should be careful," Castiel remembered.

"And what else did he tell you?" Gabriel asked, leaning forward over the table conspiratorially.

Gabriel had always been a terrible gossip. Castiel hesitated; he trusted that his cousin had his best interests at heart, but he didn't trust Gabriel not to embarass him somehow. Gabriel had a tendency to help and humiliate at the same time.

"I've already told you that he's worked there for three years. That's all I know," Castiel said.

"Come on now, don't be stingy. I want the juicy stuff," Gabriel said. He then waggled his eyebrows in way that was completely over-the-top and forced a laugh out of Castiel.

That was his technique: lure Castiel in with laughter and make him spill his guts. It never failed, and the part of Castiel that wasn't annoyed by it was absurdly grateful that Gabriel understood how to make him open up. It's not that he wanted to keep everything bottled up inside; it's just that nobody normally cared what he had to say. Eventually it had become a force of habit.

"We really didn't talk about much. He just showed me some selections from his stock and had me smell them. It was like a lesson," Castiel explained.

"A lesson in dope-sniffing?" Gabriel said.

"A lesson in differentiating between strains," Castiel paused before continuing, because he knew Gabriel would enjoy this next part. "Dean said that I was a 'natural' because I correctly identified the lemon haze as being reminiscent of citrus."

It was such a silly thing to be proud of, but Gabriel still rewarded him with a wide smile.

"You've already managed to impress him! Good going, little bro," Gabriel said, leaning back into his chair and visibly relaxing. He always looked so much more comfortable in his body than Castiel could ever imagine being. "So you're going back tomorrow?"

Good question. Should Castiel return to the Crystal Ball so soon after his first visit? He very much wanted to see Dean again, and Dean had seemed amenable to the idea as well. But how much of that had just been politeness on Dean's part? Professional courtesy? Even if it had felt like flirting to him, Castiel couldn't forget that he had been high, Dean had been sober, and Dean worked in a service industry and possibly flirted with customers all the time for the sake of business. Or maybe he didn't; maybe Castiel truly had been special. Or maybe it hadn't been flirting at all and Gabriel's overzealousness was just giving Castiel false hopes.

"I- I'm not sure," Castiel finally answered.

"Alright, what's your issue?" Gabriel said. "Do you not remember how he was looking at you? Trust me, he was interested. Or if that's not enough, what about the weed he gave you _for free_?"

Castiel had to admit that Gabriel had a point. Though even if Dean _were _"interested", the question remained: interested in what? A date? A one-night stand? A relationship that was doomed to end once Castiel's vacation was over anyway? As attractive and intriguing as Dean was, Castiel had never in his life been inclined to have a casual romance.

"I don't- I haven't been been with anyone since Rachel," Castiel said, quiet and avoiding eye contact with Gabriel. "I have no idea what to even want, let alone what to do."

Rachel had been Castiel's first and only love. They'd been together for five years, and Castiel would have married her if she'd let him. Castiel knew now that their relationship would never have worked in the long term, but he still had fond memories and was grateful for the lessons learned. He didn't really miss her - he missed being in love. He'd been swept away by her goodness and loyalty, and even his lack of physical attraction to her had been overcome by his affection. Castiel couldn't imagine how it would feel to find love now that he knew which gender he needed to seek it in. What would it be like to be consumed heart, body _and _soul? How would he even find a man he could trust enough for that? And if Castiel didn't want to fall in love, was he even capable of keeping his heart distant while enjoying another person's body and company?

Maybe that was why he'd kept to himself after Rachel. And maybe that was why he wasn't sure about Dean. How much did he really know about the man, after all?

"You need to stop overthinking this. You don't have to find true love to have a good time with someone," Gabriel said after a long moment of silence.

"I don't think I know how to do that," Castiel admitted.

"You can practice with me." Gabriel threw back the last of his drink before pushing the shots he'd ordered towards Castiel's side of the table. "You gotta relax. If Dean's a decent guy he won't try to push you into anything you don't want to do. Remember how he got on my case about trying to make you smoke? You guys can just hang out and see what happens. I mean, I'm sure he'd be thrilled to take you home and have his way with you... But you won't owe him that."

Castiel knew all this; he really did. But it helped immeasurably to hear Gabriel say it aloud. And the truth was that he was on vacation in a foreign country; there'd be no better opportunity to step out of his comfort zone.

"You're right, Gabriel. I'll just go in tomorrow and buy some of the Blue Steel and we'll take it from there," Castiel said, nodding to himself.

"There you go! What's up with that Blue Steel thing anyway?"

"It's the strain that Dean helped create. He seems very proud of it, but he said it was too strong for my first time," Castiel said. He picked up the first shot and swallowed it down. He followed it directly with the second one. Shuddering slightly from the taste, he smiled. "So tomorrow I'm going to try it out."

"I'm proud of you, Castiel. You need me to go with you?" Gabriel asked, but Castiel recognized the glint in his eyes and knew which answer he needed to give.

"No. I think I can handle it on my own."


End file.
